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Ladies: How to Make Your V* gina Taste Awesome

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Ever since I’ve been old enough to sneak copies of Teen Magazine at the middle school library, I’ve known that v@ginas (sorry, “down theres”) are mysterious, confusing places that need to be waxed, washed, wiped, and maintained lest all men run screaming away from you and you end up spending your life attachment parenting a series of rescue cats. As I matured and graduated to an entirely new level of man-obsessed stupidity in magazines, I gradually realized that while ladymags dispense plenty of advice on how v@ginas should look, there’s no real yardstick on how they should taste, or how a high achieving gal like me who just wants to have the tastiest snatch in town could go about getting it. Science must have some answers, right?

Before we go any further, and lest I be accused of perpetuating the “man pleasing” ethos that permeates grocery store women’s mags, I’d like to point out that having a tasty vagina isn’t necessarily strictly a man-pleasing move; it’s more a politeness move. If you like someone enough to have s3x with them, then you should like them enough to hope that they enjoy performing oral s3x on you — man, woman, whatever. It’s not retro to make an effort to please a romantic partner, but it is if they expect you to make an effort but excuse a lack of effort on their own part (it’s not only s3xist; it’s rude). So, for the sake of argument, let’s assume that you’re trying to freshen up your v@ginal bouquet at the same time the dude is giving his balls a thorough washing and contemplating the taste of his semen, or when your female partner is similarly contemplating how the rainbow tastes. Okay? Okay.

v@ginas (or vulvas, nerds) taste the way they taste because of a combination of factors — your body’s natural sweaty smells plus the smell of whatever detergent you use on your underwear plus the smell of any soaps you use plus the smell of the your vagina’s juices, so the obvious first step to having a fragrant, delicious pubic region would be to thoroughly wash and wear clean laundry that you wash in soap that doesn’t contain dyes or fragrances that will clash with your body’s natural scent. It might seem like a good idea to douche with Malibu Musk in order to get a nice tropical vibe going in your southern hemisphere, but that’s, uh, not the case. Don’t do that. Keep it gentle, keep it minimally fragrant. Try taking a bath, if you’ve got time. Cotton panties (or, if you hate the word panties, “skivvies” or “pantaloons”) are better than less breathable fabrics, since your crotch is sort of like an armpit between your legs.

 

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